Mad scientist

Special substance can improve your whole life entirely

However findings don’t apply to any regular substance or indeed to any regular people.

A lab-created drink appears to improve your whole life, the world and everything, a small study suggests.

After three minutes of consuming the concoction, the study sample reported amazing health benefits.

But, the study cautions, these findings don’t mean anything whatsoever to the real world or to the average person and were developed purely to see what would happen in a lab with a ridiculous budget and a lot of chemicals and equipment.

madDr Offmiface Amoutovit said that while the substance looks just like water, it is in fact an invisible elixir that dissolves in water.

The study sample group were placed in a small isolation chamber for five days and deprived of food and drink.

“The fasting experience is vital to the treatment,” Dr Amoutofit commented.

On day six the group sampled the drink and became unspeakably happy.

They are now recovering in hospital.

Dr Amoutofit later said that he was very happy with the results and would hope to repeat the experiment on a larger population upon his release from the psychiatric facility where he currently resides.

The study authors commented that even though the sample group were very keen to have more of the drink, any attempt to repeat the result would be detrimental to health.

A control group who were also given the drink remarked that it was very similar to water and then wandered off to find a Starbucks and didn’t return.

The findings were reported in the Journal of Nonspecific Random Practices and Continuous Circular Argumentologies.